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"Iris". . . A Novel By Tina Adkins

Funny Quotes and Sayings

Home George!
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Funny Quotes and Sayings
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These are just a few funny things I've found on the web. Most are one-liners, but funny.

Just in time for the Christmas Spirit! Here are some new ones! (12/17/04)

  • If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the porch.
  • Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because I'm a bitch.
  • I'll be spontaneous when I get around to it.
  • There should be a special prison for stupid people.
  • Damn right I'm good in bed...I can sleep for days!
  • Had this been an actual emergency, I would have screamed AHHHHH!
  • If life knocks you down, it's important that you get right back up and shoot it.
  • Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
  • My reality check is in the mail.
  • Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I'm a raving lunitic, AHHAGGHH!
  • The most important thing in life is: ME!
  • Be glad I'm not a twin.
  • Ever notice that "cupid" rhymes with "stupid"?
  • I used to jog 5 miles a day...then I found a shortcut.
  • Don't wait! Procrastinate!
  • I would enjoy joggin if it wasn't for those long walks back.
  • Itchy, Twitchy, and Bitchy
  • Me So Corney... ;-)
  • Madcowabunga!
  • If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me!
  • I live at the corner of KissMyAss Ave. and NoFucking Way.
  • Read the fine print dumbass.
  • Queen Be-atch
  • Martin Sheen is my president!
  • I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
  • I speak sacrasm as a second language.
  • If God made man, God can't be perfect.
  • Sometimes I feel like an abandoned vehicle.
  • If you go around acting like an asshole all the time, eventually you'll be covered in shit.
  • Ask me for directions, I'll tell you where to go.
  • Jackshit! Do you know me?
  • Like birdwatching? How about I flip you one?
  • I'm not a complete idiot. You complete me.
  • It took me 70 years to look this good!
  • Somebody's boring me....I think it's me....
  • Stop being so nosey!
  • I have the body of a god...unfortunately it's Buddah.... :-(  


  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
  • A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
  • On the other hand you have different fingers.
  • Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
  • Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.
  • I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist
  • People who never get carried away should be.
  • Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
  • It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.
  • Make it idiot-proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
  • We have enough youth. How about a fountain of SMART?
  • Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey!
  • Axe me about Ebonics
  • Do unto others, then run
  • Common sense isn't common
  • The older I get, the older old is
  • Stupidity -- the gift that keeps on giving
  • Constipated people don't give a crap
  • I may not be perfect, but I’m all I got
  • If we quit voting will they all go away?
  • Is it time for your medication or mine?
  • I intend to live forever - so far, so good
  • If you can't convince them, confuse them
  • Not all men are annoying. Some are dead
  • Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever
  • Stop repeat offenders. Quit re-electing them
  • You're never too old to learn something stupid
  • In a nuclear war, all men will be cremated equally
  • I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode
  • Understanding men is like nailing Jello to a tree
  • Pi R squared? No! Pie R round! Cornbread R square
  • Keep talking . . . . . I always yawn when I'm interested
  • People like you are the reason we have middle fingers
  • Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for today, you missed it
  • I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose
  • Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.
  • I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
  • Women's faults are many, men have only two -- Everything they say and everything they do

Got one of your own? Send it to me! At: and I'll post it!